Essays

Flower Power   Earlier today I was sitting in my little hammock, trying to blank out the worry in my mind, if only for a moment. I have three passion flowers growing across my fence, and as I stared at the foliage I noticed a particular branch, at least five feet in length, stretched flat across the wooden slats without any means of support. "Now, how does that sucker stay up there?" I wondered. I began examining the stem, starting at the end, following along, until finally I found my answer. At one point there was one little spindly "grasper-thingy" that had wound itself around a splinter sticking out of the wood. That one little thing was keeping the entire vine suspended...kind of like someone holding on by the skin of their teeth. It made me consider it as a symbol of the "one paycheck from bankruptcy" syndrome that so many of us suffer from--the security of our future hanging by a slender thread. But then I reconsidered. "Perhaps," I thought, "it could have a much more positive meaning than my first interpretation. Perhaps it points to the incredible strength that can be had through one well-placed conviction..." Like the conviction that "all things happen for a reason, for our own benefit." Even when, no matter how exhaustive ones investigation, there seems to be no benefit in sight... I s'pose I must remember to be more like my passion flowers--clinging to my faith--and know that that one point of reference can indeed keep me growing along, without falling to the ground.     The Seduction of Thoth, 1986      “Temple of Thoth. Holiest place in all Sri Lanka,” said our native guide, “Insi’e glass-cova’ shrine hold tooth from mouth of Buddha!”        As if by telepathy a thin, leather-skinned man appeared, carrying two ankle-length sarongs--urging the boys to put them over their shorts.      “No saron’, no go in,” he said.      Outside, a couple of men ran back and forth, collecting and distributing shoes as people were entering and leaving in a steady stream in both directions.      “Can we just carry our shoes?” I said.      “No, no, leave shoe here,” said the shoe collector.      “There’s no way we’ll ever find our shoes again!” said Monica. The piles were over a foot high, heaped together without apparent system.      “Bye-bye sandals! We’ll be walking barefoot from here on,” I said as we parted with our footwear and watched them disappear.        The low bass hum we’d heard outside was now an immediate, thundering presence inside the body. Drummers lined the walls and old men, all skin and bones, with legs twisted together in lotus position droned out one never-ending ohm. A large wooden troth in the center of the room stood filled with offering flowers--fragrant blossoms in white, cranberry and pink. Our guide motioned for us to follow him upstairs. I tugged at Monica’s arm.      “What?” she said.      “We’re going upstairs.”      “What? I can’t hear!”      “Upstairs!” I yelled back, pointing toward the winding stairs.        We snaked our way through the throng of worshippers, up to the second floor. Suddenly I felt faint. The floor seemed to be moving and a flash of heat seared the lungs once I reached the top step. I leaned both hands against the wall. Every hair on my body immediately stood erect. The walls undulated, hummed, breathed--expanded and contracted to the beat of the drums. Colors exploded inside my eyelids like fireworks. My body tingled. I felt lighter; vibrating at incredible speed--as though molecules were shaking themselves loose--every cell writhing about in orgasmic ecstasy. I was home.        I looked over at the Yogi next to me. Naked, with the exception of a white cloth, wrapped diaper-style around his privates; his forehead smeared with a white clay-like substance, his eyes stared into the space directly in front of him. The sound from his chest was a deep, resonant, hypnotic drone that, unbelievably, did not end. I wanted to sit down with that man, and never leave.        Each of us was a note within the collective sound, creating a symphony of all life.        I realized, in that moment, that our spirit--the core of energetic life force within--is not limited by the physical. It can expand infinitely until it encompasses the known Universe and beyond. In that instant flash, all separation ceased to exist. Not even “time” remained firm, but was as penetrable as the air we breathed. Everything became “One”. One single core vibration; all other “notes”, high and low, fast or slow, stemmed from that one core energy. I knew--without knowing how I could know--that “Life” [life energy] itself is everlasting, indestructible, and all pervasive. The physical body--simply optional gear for a particular journey.        Despite my own fervor, Monica and the rest of our merry band however, were not about to spend the remainder of their earthly existence in the Temple of Thoth. I reluctantly staggered outside and in a flash, a set of black hands plunked down a pair of sandals in front of my feet. My sandals. Amazing.     ON THE OTHER SIDE OF ME One December weekend I remembered I’d forgotten something very important: something I thought I’d never forget.   The months after my Beloved’s accident, which left him paralyzed for weeks and wheelchair bound even longer, was the most simple time of my life. I had everything I needed. Life was precious. No everyday problem was big enough to make me loose sleep. Each task was performed one at a time. There was time for everything, and what didn’t get done wasn’t worth doing anyway. Surely life would never be the same again; I would never forget to appreciate each and every moment; cherish every hour with my Beloved, safe in the knowledge that love makes anything doable, but only some things, worth doing.  Two years had now passed and Ben’s recovery had been miraculous. I got used to him scaling mountains, against all odds, in his progress back to a normal life. I climbed the corporate ladder at the same speed. As the Manager of Human Resources for a growing firm, I had my hands full with daily soap operas and epic office dramas. I was no stranger to the emotional effects of peoples’ personal issues dealing with death, car crashes, gang beatings, manic attacks and depression, infertility, infidelity--all part of a day’s work. I hated my open-door policy and toyed with the idea of posting a sign saying, “Sorry, door will not open due to shit-pile on other side.” I was drowning in tear-soaked tissue--dispensed from a handy box with pretty, purple flowers--always at the ready on my desk.  The epiphany came mid-sip. Rays of crisp sunbeams streamed onto my porch where I sat with my first cup of coffee, feeling oh-so-peaceful. The problem was not that the world was crazy and out of control: it was that my life was not.   I’ve spent most of my life submerged in mental chaos and emotional distress. When my 10-year, co-dependent struggle of a marriage ended, I said “I will never be consumed by a destructive relationship again.” I worked hard at that promise and finally found the joy that stems from intimate joining with another whole person. I was happy. But somewhere inside there was a red-faced woman with a screaming infant in one hand, stirring a pot of mashed potatoes with the other while pushing a vacuum cleaner with her left foot, screaming something about cortisol and epinephrine reaching dangerously low levels. She did not accept serenity.   The coffee slowly cooling, I saw how I’d created an artificial un-happiness. Home Sweet Home rang true. How had I been so easily tricked into complete oblivion by my own Shadow? I closed my eyes and made a new promise; “I will empathize, but not carry, other peoples’ burdens.”   The poinsettias shone bright red in the eastern sun. I felt renewed. That longstanding feeling of helplessness lifted like a sheath in the breeze. I remembered: “The enemy never stands before you. She always lurks within.” All I needed for life to be good again was to remember: Be aware. Be present. Be peaceful. Be.
BELOVED SAMBO, BABY! Ben and I have been dating five years now and have shared the same abode for more than four. This has created some interesting dilemmas as far as how to refer to each other in public, because we’re over the three-year threshold.   After a certain time, a woman gets tired of being “The Girlfriend” and wants to graduate to the more respected title of “Wife”. We have found, that in this United States of America, the deadline for this name transformation is three years. If you’re still “The Girlfriend” after three years you’re supposed to re-enter the store and continue shopping.                      However, speaking from experience; Beware that once you go from being “My Wife”, to “The Wife”, the whole respect thing has gone out the window, and you realize that the term “Girlfriend” has a certain Je n’est c’ais quoi that is far more appealing than its lackluster married counterpart.   Personally, I’m not that keen on being referred to as “The Girlfriend” at my age. It feels downright silly at thirty-six. And even though I wear a small diamond ‘Promise ring’ on my right hand, we’re not “Fiance's" either, although in a pinch we’ll use that term as well, to avoid surprised and nosy questions like “So, what’s wrong in your relationship?”   So what do you call a divorced, single mother and a once engaged-never married-man who live together?   In Sweden we have just the right term for this arrangement; Sambo. It means, more or less literally, Cohabiter, but it is well understood that it refers to a romantic co-habitation scenario--not just some friend trying to save a few bucks by mooching off of you. It works well over there, and the last time I checked, about 90% of my family and friends were sambo’s. It even sounds passionate; sam-bo. It glides off the tongue like a hot-blooded Spanish Samba!   The term totally looses its inherent charm though when you translate it into English: Co-habiter. Nah, I don’t think so. Where’s the love? The romance? The commitment? How about “Life Partner”? Nice, but the gay community has pretty much trademarked that one as their own.   Which leads me to my favorite poet, Jalaluddin Rumi--the 13th Century Persian scholar--who refers to “The Beloved” as encompassing Friend, Lover and God. It even infers that one is loved in return. It is one of my favorite words! I think we should toss out all other words and change the marriage vows to: “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded Beloved, until death do you part?” Now there’s a vow not to be messed with!
CEYLON TUESDAY It was the end of our tropical vacation, and what a journey it had been! Monica now had a vicious ear infection and stayed in bed for an entire day. Meanwhile, I decided to go for a swim in the ocean. As always, making sure I stayed close to the shore. But, an unexpected wave crashed over my shoulders and sucked me off my feet. No sooner had I reoriented myself before another tossed me about; foot over head under water. When I resurfaced I’d already decided it was time to get out. I looked for the shore and, holy bejeezus! How could it be that far?   The bottom beneath me had disappeared and waves rolled in toward shore, one after another. By the fourth “mitten-in-a-tumbler” ride I had officially exhausted my breath-holding capacity. I popped up as another wave crested overhead; I was a surfer in a perfect tube - without a board. Panic now waved its hand ‘Present!’ Going down for the fifth time, spinning and twirling, a firm hand suddenly grabbed my flailing arm and pulled. Next thing I remember is the sand scratching my legs and someone giving me one last heave-ho into knee-high water. All I ever saw of my rescuer was the back of a blond, curly-haired teenager, with the translucent white skin so typical of Germans and Brits, as he dove back into the froth.   Life and Death. So inextricably intertwined in each moment. Yet so easy to push aside, forgetting that our light can be snuffed out at any time, especially a moment when we least expect it - when we are not prepared - on any “Tuesday morning”. At other times being so focused on death, ignoring the act and purpose of being Alive. I knew then that I do not honor and treasure my life as I could. A complete stranger valued my life more in that moment, than I did, and still do, on most days. I think of these travels at times, to remember that there is a reason for my being here, even when it’s not apparent why. As I stand on the path, hoping to someday find that ever-elusive ‘purpose’, I remind myself to appreciate my Journey. There is still much to learn and much to share, and sometimes that has to be purpose enough.
DEALING WITH...STRESS A wide variety of stressors, both internal and external, contribute to the body’s reactive systems going into overdrive, readying itself to meet and protect against real or perceived danger. Stressors can be both internal and external and are categorized as acute (immediate) or chronic (long term) in nature. Internal stressors include physical problems, such as infections and disease, and psychological issues like intense worry over a specific event or abstract possibilities that circulate through the mind with persistent frequency. External stressors include physical discomfort like hot or cold temperatures and various forms of pain, as well as psychologically abusive environments or relationships. Whether a stressor is internal or external, and physical or psychological, it affects the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal system of the body in the same way. It activates the production and release of steroid hormones, such as the primary stress hormone cortisol, as well as a host of neurotransmitters like dopamine, epinephrine (aka adrenaline) and norepinephrine. These chemical messengers activate the amygdala which in turn triggers an emotional response to the event that just took place. This emotional response could be fear, anxiety or any other stress charged emotion. The neurotransmitters then send a signal to the hippocampus to go ahead and store the emotionally charged experience into long term memory for future use. All in order to ensure survival in case the same, or similar, event happens again. At the same time as the emotional reaction is being triggered in the amygdala, activity in the region of the brain responsible for short term memory, concentration and rational thought is being suppressed. This combination of brain activation and shut-down allows the person to focus on the threat by choosing to either fight it or flee from it. This in turn explains how persons under great, acute stress or someone suffering from mild but long term stress, often show signs of inability to handle normal, but socially and intellectually complex tasks and behaviors. The person may choose the fight response and exhibit unusual or excessive anger and aggression long after the actual event occurred, or the flight response may show up as ill-chosen ways of escaping through the use of drugs, alcohol, lethargy or withdrawal. Normally, once the threat that caused the stress reaction has passed, the stress hormones will return to normal. This is referred to as the relaxation response. Unfortunately, due to societal changes where we are constantly bombarded with stressors (over crowding, loud noises, financial hardships, abusive relationships and poor working environments etc) we have ended up with a host of long term stress related illnesses. This is because when the body does not experience the threat as being “over”, it continues releasing adrenaline and other neurotransmitters. Inhibited rational brain functioning leads us into an evil circle where we continue making poor choices in order to try to soothe ourselves. More often than not these fight or flight responses only increase our level of stress. Inability to creatively and effectively adapt to stress is associated with the onset of general anxiety and depression. On a physiological level this may be due to stress hormones disrupting the normal levels of serotonin. Serotonin is a nerve chemical that is imperative for feelings of well-being. Prolonged stress are also associated with a wide variety of physical illnesses that run the gamut from heart disease; stroke; infections; immune disorders; allergies; skin disorders; gastrointestinal problems such as irritable bowel syndrome and peptic ulcers; eating disorders; diabetes and pain such as back pain and headaches. There are some factors that exacerbate the stress response in some people, but there are also many different stress reduction methods. The best way to beat the ill effects of stress in today’s society is to become well versed in a wide variety of counter active methods and experiment with several of them to find what works for you. Several factors influence ones susceptibility to stress and contribute to overwhelming the individual’s coping mechanisms. Children who experience early abuse are at higher risk as well as people with certain personality traits that cause them to over-respond to challenging events. Genetic factors also play a role, as people with abnormalities in their serotonin regulation will show a heightened reactivity of heart rates and blood pressure in response to stress, leaving them in a more or less constant state of hyper-arousal. The length and severity of the stressors will naturally have an impact on the overall coping capability of the individual. Young adults and the elderly are more vulnerable to the effects of stress, as are women in general and especially working mothers. People who are less educated and the unemployed are also at higher risk due to the long term effects of financial stresses and worry about their livelihood. The divorced, widowed and other isolated, lonely individuals run a greater risk to feel the effects of stress since having a general support system is an important factor for working through ones experiences. City dwellers also fare less well due to the constant bombardment of stressors inherent with modern city living. Appropriate stress levels, and stress where the individual still feels that they have a level of control can be very positive. One should not necessarily strive to eliminate all stress, since a lack of “push” may lead to boredom and depression as well. When, however, stressors are felt to be out of ones control one must be able to control ones reaction to those stressors, even though one may not be able to do anything to change the situation itself. The thing to remember is that we are already biologically wired to deal with stress through fighting or fleeing. The very idea of relaxation can therefore feel threatening in and of itself because it goes against ones physical urges. The stress reaction itself may feel necessary; providing a sense of “preparedness” even if they do nothing to change the condition causing it. Others may feel guilty or selfish if they focus on activities that benefit only themselves… These are some of the roadblocks that must be faced and worked through. There are many stress reduction methods available and some may be more appropriate and effective depending on the level and frequency of stress in each individual. A healthy lifestyle is imperative in any stress reduction program. Eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly will counteract many of the physical effects of stress, by offering healthy distraction and strengthening the heart and circulatory system. Aerobics, brisk walks, swimming, yoga and tai chi offer effective benefits. An additional benefit of regular exercise is the psychological effect from being able to make a plan and following it. When starting small, with easily achievable goals, such as a 10 minute walk three times a week, the individual will gradually develop a sense of self mastery and control, both of which are essential for developing greater stress coping skills. Meditation, biofeedback techniques, massage therapy and deep breathing exercises are also helpful. Identifying the sources of stress and restructuring ones priorities is important when dealing with long term lifestyle related stress. Eliminating unnecessary and time-consuming tasks (and learning to say “NO”), whether it be at home or at work, will have a great impact. Especially when combined with increasing pleasurable, stress reducing activities instead. Taking vacations and having time for personal hobbies and recreation is a vital part of everyone’s stress-busting arsenal. Discussing or otherwise expressing ones feelings (such as writing in a journal or painting) is part of any healthy lifestyle. The key to “letting it all out” is to focus on talking, not simply “venting” to let the emotions out. The goal is to be able to explain and assert ones needs. This is part of our birth right. And being able to express those needs in a non-aggressive way so that others are better able to offer their support will lead to reduced stress and greater mental/emotional health. Last, but certainly not least, developing a sense of humor and spiritual perspective can be a very effective coping mechanism. Laughter reduces stress hormone levels, reducing the effects of stress on the physical body. It also releases pent-up tensions and feelings, which may help to open up the lines of communication into deeper issues where a certain level of trust is necessary. Having a spiritual center to return to when stressful events happen can at times be the only thing that keeps a person together. However, prayer can also be misused in order to avoid facing potentially stressful events altogether, such as someone shrugging their shoulders saying “God will provide” when faced with a job layoff, instead of writing up a resume and mailing it out. This stalling tactic should not be confused with someone having a firm spiritual center. The spiritually adept will recognize that praying for a new job while actively looking for work is the only way to allow the Universe the means of responding. Knowing that the Universal forces can do nothing but respond to the mental and emotional energy being sent out into it, one can over time develop a stronger buffer against stress.
DEALING WITH...OTHERS The path to personal mastery is littered with the mistakes of our own ignorance. By refusing to understand who we are, we perpetuate the same mistakes over and over; with the members of our family, our friends and all the new faces we meet along the way. Stepping back, listening and asking appropriate questions in order to understand the other - rather than forcefully insisting the we be understood, requires both courage and patience. Dealing with others is perhaps the most frustrating and rewarding, feared and yearned for challenge and purpose for human kind. Without the friction and help we get from others we would hardly grow at all. Interaction is imperative for personal growth. Learning how to interact well is a lifelong course of study. But how do we learn this skill, or perhaps more importantly, why don’t we? There are many obstacles to getting along with the people around us. More often than not we fail to recognize our responses and reactions properly. “I’m OK – You’re not” underlies the majority of our interactions, whether we recognize this pattern of thinking or not. We must be diligently looking for our subconscious patterns of behavior, in order to notice just how not-accepting we really are toward those who fail to appear as we want them to be [i.e. like us!]. Archetypal patterns reside in each of us, with different archetypes subtly ruling various areas of our lives. Figuring out what they are can be a valuable eye-opener as it relates to our ability to deal with the different people in our life. There are several great books on the market that delve into the archetypal arena of the subconscious. Realizing that the Victim archetype was the main ruler of my personal relationships opened up alternatives I’d never thought of before. The first step was acknowledging that I had a choice. I could feel like a victim and allow myself to be treated as one, or…not. The power had been mine all along. At my work, the Knight archetype takes over. I’m there to “take care of business” and two of my previous bosses would actually introduce me as their “secret weapon” or “army of one”. However, more than once have I saddled up and battled for the wrong king – someone who was not as loyal or chivalrous in return. As wonderful a quality as loyalty is, loyalty without discernment can bring misfortune of all kinds. Doing the bidding of a less than upright leader is one of the expressions of the dark side of the Knight. When I first understood this, I realized I had not been discerning enough with some of my loyalties. I’m learning to interview and question my potential "kings" before I cry “AYE!” and ride off to fight the dragons threatening their perfect little kingdom. I must at times ignore my instinct to be loyal and say "what you’re asking goes against my own integrity and I will not blaze a trail there"… Knowledge comes from finding answers. Knowing what the answers mean lead to wisdom. Knowing that answers can be found everywhere; in archetypes; in astrology; in your marriage; in meditation; at work, and being open to the possibility that they can make a meaningful difference in your life makes for an interesting journey! Character analysis is also a wonderful tool. But can just as easily become a hindrance to true intimacy if not used with an open and flexible mind, remembering that the whole is far greater than the sum of the individual parts. I was taught a highly effective system of analysis, based on seven basic characters [core personalities]; their strengths, flaws and instinctual drives, back in 2001. I gained a tremendous amount of value from this training and used it on a daily basis at work for four years. Using and referring to each other’s Character was part of our work culture, and it bred a greater sense of tolerance for each others differences and modus operandi. However, as with all things, excess is just as detrimental as not enough of something. As time went on I began to notice a level of dissatisfaction within. I felt I had to question, not the validity of, but the excessive use of references to peoples Character, rather than trying to see them as total human beings. I felt the need to bring the focus back onto the fact that we can never entirely know what drives another person to be who they are or act the way they do. One can generalize in order to build a higher level of communication between disparate Personalities, yes. But to think that we know another person because we’ve figured out their Personality or basic Character is not to be recommended. One must still allow for that “thing” that makes each and every one of us unique – our spirit (including all the background experiences; both from this and other lifetimes). Failing to take peoples upbringing and their inherent X-factor into account can have drastic ramifications, all of which will take us by surprise because we were not open enough to believe they could go there. Character analysis helps us understand how another person prefers to communicate. It will never tell us who they are, however. Only they can do that – if we’re willing to listen and observe.
INNER VS. OUTER ECOLOGY AND THE HOLISTIC SYSTEMS VIEW The word “ecology” derives from the Greek word oikos, meaning “household”. The term was coined in 1866 by the German biologist Ernst Haeckel, as he referred to the environmental science of the household of the Earth. As outer ecology centers around nature’s place within the Whole, inner ecology is about our place within nature as well as natures place within our bodies. In essence there is no difference between inner and outer ecology because of the Natural law of causation; the principle of equality of action and reaction. This natural law states that all action; good, bad or indifferent, will bear its logical fruit. It operates equally in nature and within our bodies. Now, some people seem to believe we can segregate various parts of nature (or our bodies, minds or spirits) and that what is done to one part will not affect the others…This is flawed thinking at its most dangerous, but let’s take a look at how they came to their conclusions in the first place. Descartes is credited with creating what we know as modern “analytical thinking”. It is atomistic, or ‘mechanic’, because it emphasizes and dissects the parts rather than looking the whole. Analytical, atomistic thinking breaks complex phenomena into various parts, in order to understand the behavior of the whole from the properties of these parts. However, it gives no analytical clue to the overall pattern of the whole, just as a single ink dot cannot give any visible clue about the painting as a whole. Louis Pasteur’s germ theory of disease in the late 19th century contributed to the changes in thinking in the field of medicine. The focus in medicine changed from looking at the organism, to its structures and functions of cellular sub-units through the use of physics and chemistry. Unfortunately the coordinating activities that integrate all those sub-operations into the functioning cell or organism as a whole, was largely ignored. Leonardo daVinci and Albert Einstein, on the other hand, engaged in systems thinking, with a holistic, systemic emphasis on the whole. Most ancient forms of wisdom uses holistic thinking, showing the way by using analogy as the key, such as “as above, so below”. In systems thinking it’s the intuitive perception that comes first, through the use of myths, parables or axioms to demonstrate the pattern, and rational thinking follows. Outer Ecology is not a social organization of hierarchy, but rather a truly all inclusive network of the natural world. The Norwegian philosopher, Arne Naess, began a grassroots movement in the 1970’s called “Deep Ecology”. In his writings he refers to Shallow ecology as anthropocentric, or human centered, where humans are considered above nature and sees nature as merely “useful”. Deep ecology in contrast does not separate humans from the natural environment. It sees humans as a part of the network, where everything is interconnected and interdependent, which forces the recognition of the intrinsic value of all living things. The word “system” derives from the Greek word synhistanai and means “to place together”. Life forms multilevel structures of systems within systems. Each of these forms a whole with respect to its parts, while at the same time being part of a larger whole. Cells combine to form tissues, tissues form organs, organs form organisms that exist within social systems and various ecosystems. Additionally, in every ecosystem everything is interconnected and every aspect contains all other aspects, in more or less developed form. As an example; our world is not only an ecosystem of physical entities, but also an ecosystem of thoughts and spirit(s). This type of Vitalism sees the whole as more than the sum of its parts. The Systems view states that the essential properties of an organism, or living system, are properties of the whole that none of the parts have in and of themselves. These properties are destroyed as soon as the system is dissected, either physically or theoretically, into isolated elements. Elementary particles are “a set of relationships that reach outward to other things”. Each subsequent set of relationships must continue “reaching outward to other things” in order to form a healthy, cohesive whole. Rupert Sheldrake, an English biologist and writer, postulates the existence of non physical morphogenetic fields [aka the Astral Body]. He also writes that perhaps we will find “new” atoms that are in essence incorporeal entities, and ties it in with the old Greek concept of the atom as a “soul”. Perhaps one day, by fully embracing the holistic systems view, we will bridge the gap that currently exists between science and spirituality, as well as inner and outer ecology, by completing the circle of life; from physical soul-atom as the main building block of animated life, through all the systemic networks of our inner and outer ecological systems, to unseen soul life on multiple planes, each interdependent with each other. DEALING WITH...SEX  Sexuality is a powerful form of communication – between two people, as well as individually with our own spirit. Certain religious sects teach the virtues of sexuality. They believe that extending the sexual orgasm can lead to experiencing a complete union with God through their partner, and that this is the highest form of earthly union with The One. But few are able to view their sexuality in this light when dysfunction arises, or if they have never been exposed to this kind of thinking through their environment in the first place. Our sexuality is so intricately intertwined with our sense of who we are as a person that any problems or dysfunctions tend to skew our entire sense of self – as though we are lesser people because of our sexual “abnormalities” or “problems”, than others who seem “normal”. The question on everyone’s mind is: Am I normal? But, does anyone out there really know? What we determine to be normal is simply what our society has determined to be acceptable, and it changes throughout time. One look at the promiscuous love-tide of the sixties, to the Aids-and-angst ridden eighties and nineties should give you enough of a clue that no one can truly tell you what is normal – only what is acceptable for that particular generation, in that particular part of the world. We must begin to accept responsibility for our own sexual health if we want to “be normal”. To determine whether or not something is normal, one must be able to determine whether the behavior is healthy or not healthy on all levels; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Countless people who grew up with a sinful perspective of sexuality through their religion have suffered for being healthy. Growing up believing that they are sinners, they find it difficult to find sexual joy as adults, even when they consciously deny their religious upbringing.  Sexuality that expresses love of our body – our Temple - with all the physical sensations and pleasures that go with it, is healthy (even when there’s no one else there to share it with us). Even “questionable acts”, when performed with love, respect and concern for ones partner, are healthy. Those same acts may become unhealthy the minute one forgets to cherish one’s partner though. It is the distinction between pornographic sex (sex used as a weapon to gain control or raise esteem) and sex as lovemaking (the flow of love between two polarities – yin and yang). Our sexuality, in its purest form, is a (w)holistic practice. At it’s lowest it is a weapon, capable of destroying indiscriminately just the same as a bomb or a gun. Physical sexuality, from a metaphysical perspective, is the playground where we learn to dissolve our ego and fully open to give and receive everything we are. Oftentimes our sexual dysfunctions are more dysfunctions of the ego than our libido. We may feel weak; un-empowered; jealous; un-worthy. A weak ego, as well as an over developed one, may display unhealthy sexuality. When our egos are severely wounded and weak we may over compensate and become too brutal in our sexuality. Is your sexual practice hurtful / harmful to yourself or your partner, either physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually? If the answer to any of the above combinations is yes, then the sexual practice is un-healthy and cannot be recommended - even when society in general considers the practice acceptable, and therefore “normal”. We should not strive for being sexually “normal” but rather reach toward expressing a healthy sexuality that is loving and considerate. Why? Because that which is healthy is good for us, that which is un-healthy is bad for us, but that which is “normal” and natural to our human nature may be either or… The porn star who receives an award for the most fellatio performed in a one-hour movie will proclaim that her professional accomplishment is simply the expression of a normal and natural thing - sex. However, killing is also a perfectly normal and natural thing for all humans. The only difference between pornography and killing, in this case, is the fact that killing has been outlawed and is considered not-acceptable, whereas pornography is generally accepted and there are few laws against it. But is one a more natural human urge than the other?  Most would agree that killing is an un-healthy expression of one’s urges. But when it comes to sex, the lines suddenly get fuzzy. Yet I would assert that giving oral sex to fifty different men, on the same day, is equally un-healthy, regardless of how normal the sex industry proclaims it to be. Still, we’re not asking “Am I legal?” We’re asking “Am I normal?” In order to answer that, we need to reclaim our individual power to assess what is a healthy expression of our loving nature. We need to embrace our search for union with the Universe through our physical instruments. Then we cannot help but be normal.
DEALING WITH...FAMILY The members of our family are the ones we decided would be the best teachers and healers for our journey through this particular lifetime. Regardless of whether we judge them to have done “a good job” of it or not, they have been, and are, the ones we knew would mold us, push us, support us, anger or inspire us to strive to Be Whole. The people you love and hate have sculpted your life and always, always offered you the opportunities to find out who you are along the way. When family is viewed in this fashion forgiveness can be given and received, gratitude and acceptance shared; the heart of the unconditional love we instinctively know that family should represent can be found when seeing the ways that each family member taught or taunted us into asking the question: Who am I? Society and Government has chosen to take a narrow view of the family structure and its purposes, thinking that boys and girls must have “proper role models” of the same sex in order to grow up to be well adjusted. However, from a spiritual perspective, does it really matter? If you dare venture into the realm where incarnation is possible, and most likely probable, then the question of who the members of your family are become less important than why are they the ones they are? Why were they chosen? What do they offer each other and us that no one else can at that moment? Whoever they are, they must carry some importance in the development of the souls of the members of the entire family. Different personalities, more so than genders, mesh and clash in order to teach us that we are lovable, worthy and important. This is why it makes sense that family life is one of the arenas of life where you can’t totally mess up. Perfection does not exist. Shortcomings are expected and accepted like nowhere else in life. It’s a playground of experimentation. On a soul level it may even account for some of the changes that are taking place within the family structure. Why NOT experiment with a homosexual family environment; single parenting; being raised by grandparents or growing up in an inter-racial family? It may bring richness to the soul that can be granted no other way, due to the new roadblocks and emotional difficulties that no doubt ensue from those decisions. Not to mention the juicy foundation for germinating true forgiveness and a deeper sense of acceptance!  Maybe it just seems like more fun. Acceptance and forgiveness are paramount when dealing with our family. These are the end lessons that are being taught. Some choose to learn these lessons “the easy way” by having acceptance and forgiveness demonstrated and therefore learned from childhood as a part of their emotional makeup; the product of nurturing. They learn what it’s like to love by accepting love from their family. For others the same two lessons are hard won through the very lack of their existence within the family. In this case the person must come to the realization that they have the power to break the viscous cycle and that they must love themselves first. They learn what it’s like to love by accepting themselves and by giving love to others. Unconditional acceptance; unconditional forgiveness and unconditional love can be learned either by receiving it, even when we don’t deserve it. Or by giving it—even when the other hasn’t earned it. There is no right or wrong way to learn or teach something that is un-conditional, as its very name states.